Why not pour out my soul and allow the world (or slight few of its citizens) to peek in at my inner struggles?
One day I decided to participate in a much-maligned facebook tradition known as ‘25 Random Things.’ I diligently filled in the required fields with part-emo, part-comedy values in hopes that people would chuckle sympathetically to themselves and generally like me more. One of the things I elucidated was that I don’t think I am a very good student; and it’s pretty much true.
I am very thankful for friends and family who would stand up and defend my own claim against myself (wait a minute, the only person who did anything of the sort was a former PhD student at PTS whom for all intents and purposes I don’t really know that well; thanks to her but not to anyone else). However, only I know what my GPA is and only I know my study habits. Only I know how well I am able to focus on my studies and only I know how many afternoons I have wasted when I should have been reading and studying.
Some people would read this and think, ‘everyone has some problems studying,’ or ‘it’s normal to have to fight against slacking off.’ This is true. Yet, any graduate student and professor would tell you that in order to even be placed in the Good Stack of any admission committee, one must demonstrate a supranormal ability to shut oneself in an office or comparable study area and remain there for an extended period of time for an in ordinate number of days in a row. I’ve met some extroverted PhD students, but they are the exception, not the rule.
My grades for the courses which are germaine to my area of interest are not too bad; in fact they’re pretty good. But my overall GPA is barely going to get me considered for the PhD programs to which I would like to apply. It may be the case that I will have to complete a one-year ThM, STM or MTS degree (Master of Theology, Master of Sacred Theology and Master of Theological Studies, resp.) in order to supplement my MDiv. Here is why:
An MDiv degree is primarily intended to prepare women and men for the ministry to the church. There are only a handful of institutions whose MDiv programs are suitable for doctoral preparation, as that requires one to be well-trained in the discipline of research. Incidentally, the research component is what sets a PhD apart from a DMin. Anyway, even if one attends a seminary or divinity school that is generally known to be good doctoral prep, these days that individual will likely need even more training to be considered ready for the rigors of doctoral study. In 2007, only one student was admitted to the PhD program at PTS without a ThM. The ThM allows a student to spend one year focusing on one area, often culminating in a dissertation or thesis of some kind.
I am counting on some good letters of recommendation, an oustanding GRE score, a published writing sample and a stellar Statement of Intent to qualify me for a doctoral program. I am also counting on an understanding wife who, when told that her husband must spend yet another year in a Masters-level degree program before even beginning a PhD, will graciously oblige and continue to love and accept me. Thankfully, said wife has amazingly already agreed to said set of circumstances.
The ThM degree is usually considerably less competitive than other Masters-level programs because it is rarely funded. Yes, this means that I will have to spend another $15,000 or so before I begin ‘real graduate school.’ For those of you who now think I am crazy, save it. I understand how this all sounds, which is why I have been in angst over my vocation and calling for the last few months.
Adding to my conundrum is the fact that I have demonstrated and affirmed gifts for both hospital chaplaincy and parish ministry. This significantly clouds my thoughts of the future. Why not just take my hard-earned and well-lived MDiv and find a great church in which to serve, maybe as an Adult Educator, and get Board certified as a Chaplain so I can serve in that capacity as well? These would be extremely noble, rewarding career choices. If, perhaps, I feel like I want to do some more teaching, nearby colleges almost always hire lecturers with ‘only’ an MDiv to fill spots on staff. These positions are poorly-paid, but they would only be part of my career. I think I would be happy with a couple of different things on my plate: a church, a hospital and a classroom.
Not only all of this, but I would be more free to continue filling my call as a missionary to Latin America. I have always maintained that no matter what road I go down in my career I will always travel to Latin America. So why do I continue to fight this? Who knows…
So, without further ado, here is my tentative plan of action
- Continue in my MDiv as if I am preparing for a doctoral program. Work hard, take productive classes and try to finish the next two semesters (the last two that will show up on any transcript sent to a PhD committee) with a bang
- Apply to 7-8 PhD programs, including 4 top tier and the rest 2nd and 3rd tier schools in order to broaden my chances of being accepted
- Apply to 2-3 Thm/MTS/STM programs
- If I get into any PhD programs, evaluate them and decide whether and which ones to enter
- If I do not get in to any PhD programs, but am accepted to one of the Master’s programs, I can evaluate whether and which one to enter
- If I get into neither, I will consider my options at that time, especially the scenario I painted above
I have said all along that I was not sure that God was actually calling me to PTS. I came because it was my desire, and I do not think there is anything wrong with that. Indeed, I think most people incorrectly interpret their own desires as God’s calling. Sometimes they are the same, often they are not. And making a decision based solely on the former is not always a bad thing. Sometimes God can turn a decision we have made based on our own desires INTO a calling and a vocation. Or else God has been leading me here all along; I cannot be certain, and I do not worry about it in those terms.
I learned last summer through the Enneagram that I must guard against making decisions based on how I believe others are viewing me. That is, I am often too concerned with my image (please do not comment and say “DUH”). So I have also spent a considerable amount of time evaluating my goals of PhD studies through this new lens of self-reflection. Luckily, I am pretty sure that my aspirations for graduate school run deeper than image, but I suppose I will only be sure when that time comes.
Encompassing all of these questions and statements about my future are two things. First, my love for Erica and her security. My decision is our decision, of course. And none of these musings would be possible save for her love and support. Second, even though I just said that my decisions have historically been based on my desires and not so much on “God leading me,” at this point in my life I will be looking for a plan and sense of call.
If you are interested in the places that I will be applying to, you can check out the set of links entitled “Graduate Schools.” I have placed asteriks in front of the schools to which I will apply most likely. Of course, being the postmodern that I am, these selections are subject to change.
